Behind the Smiles

As I write this it’s few hours before my birthday, I’m really fighting to continue with this write-up, this is more like a self evaluation though, of my life and how I have been living thus far.
“It has not been easy”, said by a lot of persons, including you that is reading this.

So I want to start from the beginning…the very beginning, how I came into this world and briefly I will share my lessons, thoughts, hopes and experience in general. I believe this will give you a picture of why I am the way I am…and even if this doesn’t, don’t worry, I’m expecting that……you know why…??

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
-Psalms 139:14 NLT

The scripture above says it all.

At this point of my life I’m in total peace whether or not I’m been understood…. because whatever you think of me that is not who God has made me to be is definitely not me….and because I’m evolving, I’m becoming and yearning to be all that God wants me to be, and this gives me hope to continue believing even when things become worse or even get worse.

Now ,my story…..

I was born into the family of Engr. Wungak James Gowon and Mrs Keziah Wungak Gowon, the 2nd born and the first daughter.
I was delivered on a Sunny Monday afternoon , home delivered to be precised, Navy Barracks, Gowon Estate, Lagos.
My mom wasn’t expecting me that day, she knew I was going to come that week, and it was when she was coming back from the market, she realized, I was ready to come, she also thought, she will still have time to go to the hospital, since she was told during antennal, that baby girls usually take their time to come out because they had to do make up🙄…well, if that’s true, I was definitely not the makeup type from the womb….so I came earlier , hence the home delivery…..

I was told by the nurse, who is still now a dear family friend (she’s actually my second mother) that when I was born, it was asked if I was going to live through the next day….I was so small…well…. obviously, I lived and I’m living….so I want you to debunk from your mind if I’m going to get body or not for those that know me and accept what you see…well, it’s your choice and whatever it may be, doesn’t change anything about my size.

When I thought about my petiteness as some describe me…it came to me that “With me, God doesn’t want the world to estimate and predict what He can do base on size”

And to confirm this, I read in one of my devotional, about “Magnify”. The ” thing ” that you are looking at actually does not change in size. What changes is how you see it. The writer went ahead to say ” When David says, ” I will Magnify God with Thanksgiving”, he does not mean: I will make a small God look bigger than he is. He means: I will make a big God begin to look as big as he actually is.

When I recall my birth circumstances and growth, I see God all the way….I would love to tell you more, however, I will reveal them in my stories in time on my blog.

Now, what I enjoyed as a child when growing up is the Love of my father, my biological father, his love was the first known contact of God’s love for me…and because of my relationship with my dad till now, I will say I’m used to getting things and even asked what I want even before I ask….I get a blank cheque from my dad, “What do you want?'”

And honestly, I only ask for my needs, I wasn’t and till now , the kind that asked for everyother things….I will say even as a child, I just had this Independence mindset….I really don’t know why….but in time , I believe God saw this needed to be dealt with, that I needed to depend on Him more and learn to loose control of my life…..and this became the Genesis of my trails……

I really don’t know how to stay and not be in control of everything around me, because it’s either that, or I become numb….I couldn’t just be still…..and if I’m not still, how can I even know God.

“Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world.”
-Psalms 46:10 NLT

And looking at my life till now, God teaches me stillness, well, in different form….and I just fight Him everyway I can…..God must have been having so much laughter when I fight Him….but my emotions and my begging doesn’t stop Him from working.

I won’t calm down until I have finished what I have decided to do. Someday, you will understand what I mean.
-Jeremiah 30:24 CEV

My brother showed me this scripture recently, and this just made me see that, I should just quit nagging and Let God do His work because He’s not going to stop, so I may as well just work with Him.

I recall a conversation I had with God 27/9/2020 which I share below;

Me :- “what if you just give me what I ask for now…why wait a bit longer…. don’t you think staying too long on fire will only get me burnt…. besides who likes burnt food, talk less of the smell…”

God :- .”too bad you think yourself to be food, you are diamond and you always want to be a reflection of Me…so I keep refining you…I am a Diligent worker…I won’t stop till I achieve perfection. I AM YOUR PURIFIER. Or have you changed your mind….”one thing I desire” you know I listen to the song you listen to…and your choice of music is a way you choose to express yourself…You are dynamic Nenpan. A lovely sense of humor….not everyone get to see this aspect of you….you don’t know how much you rob the world when you hide yourself….
Come out….no need to hide anymore, I will hold your hand all the way as you open up, I promise, I will never leave you. I LOVE YOU.”

“They are many but there’s just one of You”

There’s really a lot I would love to share with you now, but I will divulge them in time.

One thing I will say is the summary of my story and the story I tell and will tell is….

“He risked my heart to gain my soul”

This came to me first in my University days…when I struggled in my academics….I couldn’t just understand why I wasn’t getting it especially when I tried different things, changing my approach….but no change as I should expect…then this words……

Later in years, I got a reference from the scripture….

In your patience possess ye your souls.
Luke 21:19 KJV

So when I go through trails and it feels there’s no way out, I whisper to myself,

“HE RISKED MY HEART TO GAIN MY SOUL”

To end this I want to share with you three Princess letters I came across on Pinterest which I wrote down 4 years ago on my birthday….

Shalom

In His Love♥️

Nenpan Wungak