Hewaited

Behind the Smiles

As I write this it’s few hours before my birthday, I’m really fighting to continue with this write-up, this is more like a self evaluation though, of my life and how I have been living thus far.
“It has not been easy”, said by a lot of persons, including you that is reading this.

So I want to start from the beginning…the very beginning, how I came into this world and briefly I will share my lessons, thoughts, hopes and experience in general. I believe this will give you a picture of why I am the way I am…and even if this doesn’t, don’t worry, I’m expecting that……you know why…??

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
-Psalms 139:14 NLT

The scripture above says it all.

At this point of my life I’m in total peace whether or not I’m been understood…. because whatever you think of me that is not who God has made me to be is definitely not me….and because I’m evolving, I’m becoming and yearning to be all that God wants me to be, and this gives me hope to continue believing even when things become worse or even get worse.

Now ,my story…..

I was born into the family of Engr. Wungak James Gowon and Mrs Keziah Wungak Gowon, the 2nd born and the first daughter.
I was delivered on a Sunny Monday afternoon , home delivered to be precised, Navy Barracks, Gowon Estate, Lagos.
My mom wasn’t expecting me that day, she knew I was going to come that week, and it was when she was coming back from the market, she realized, I was ready to come, she also thought, she will still have time to go to the hospital, since she was told during antennal, that baby girls usually take their time to come out because they had to do make up🙄…well, if that’s true, I was definitely not the makeup type from the womb….so I came earlier , hence the home delivery…..

I was told by the nurse, who is still now a dear family friend (she’s actually my second mother) that when I was born, it was asked if I was going to live through the next day….I was so small…well…. obviously, I lived and I’m living….so I want you to debunk from your mind if I’m going to get body or not for those that know me and accept what you see…well, it’s your choice and whatever it may be, doesn’t change anything about my size.

When I thought about my petiteness as some describe me…it came to me that “With me, God doesn’t want the world to estimate and predict what He can do base on size”

And to confirm this, I read in one of my devotional, about “Magnify”. The ” thing ” that you are looking at actually does not change in size. What changes is how you see it. The writer went ahead to say ” When David says, ” I will Magnify God with Thanksgiving”, he does not mean: I will make a small God look bigger than he is. He means: I will make a big God begin to look as big as he actually is.

When I recall my birth circumstances and growth, I see God all the way….I would love to tell you more, however, I will reveal them in my stories in time on my blog.

Now, what I enjoyed as a child when growing up is the Love of my father, my biological father, his love was the first known contact of God’s love for me…and because of my relationship with my dad till now, I will say I’m used to getting things and even asked what I want even before I ask….I get a blank cheque from my dad, “What do you want?'”

And honestly, I only ask for my needs, I wasn’t and till now , the kind that asked for everyother things….I will say even as a child, I just had this Independence mindset….I really don’t know why….but in time , I believe God saw this needed to be dealt with, that I needed to depend on Him more and learn to loose control of my life…..and this became the Genesis of my trails……

I really don’t know how to stay and not be in control of everything around me, because it’s either that, or I become numb….I couldn’t just be still…..and if I’m not still, how can I even know God.

“Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world.”
-Psalms 46:10 NLT

And looking at my life till now, God teaches me stillness, well, in different form….and I just fight Him everyway I can…..God must have been having so much laughter when I fight Him….but my emotions and my begging doesn’t stop Him from working.

I won’t calm down until I have finished what I have decided to do. Someday, you will understand what I mean.
-Jeremiah 30:24 CEV

My brother showed me this scripture recently, and this just made me see that, I should just quit nagging and Let God do His work because He’s not going to stop, so I may as well just work with Him.

I recall a conversation I had with God 27/9/2020 which I share below;

Me :- “what if you just give me what I ask for now…why wait a bit longer…. don’t you think staying too long on fire will only get me burnt…. besides who likes burnt food, talk less of the smell…”

God :- .”too bad you think yourself to be food, you are diamond and you always want to be a reflection of Me…so I keep refining you…I am a Diligent worker…I won’t stop till I achieve perfection. I AM YOUR PURIFIER. Or have you changed your mind….”one thing I desire” you know I listen to the song you listen to…and your choice of music is a way you choose to express yourself…You are dynamic Nenpan. A lovely sense of humor….not everyone get to see this aspect of you….you don’t know how much you rob the world when you hide yourself….
Come out….no need to hide anymore, I will hold your hand all the way as you open up, I promise, I will never leave you. I LOVE YOU.”

“They are many but there’s just one of You”

There’s really a lot I would love to share with you now, but I will divulge them in time.

One thing I will say is the summary of my story and the story I tell and will tell is….

“He risked my heart to gain my soul”

This came to me first in my University days…when I struggled in my academics….I couldn’t just understand why I wasn’t getting it especially when I tried different things, changing my approach….but no change as I should expect…then this words……

Later in years, I got a reference from the scripture….

In your patience possess ye your souls.
Luke 21:19 KJV

So when I go through trails and it feels there’s no way out, I whisper to myself,

“HE RISKED MY HEART TO GAIN MY SOUL”

To end this I want to share with you three Princess letters I came across on Pinterest which I wrote down 4 years ago on my birthday….

Shalom

In His Love♥️

Nenpan Wungak

Who Defines You?

Psalm 139:14(KJV)

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

Psalms 139:14 CEV

and I praise you because of the wonderful way you created me. Everything you do is marvelous! Of this I have no doubt.

Many at times, we have positive affirmations about ourselves, or friends, family tells us the good qualities we got , still, we stop believing them or us for a moment, because of mistakes, other times, some emptiness felt within.

I read a story, based on true events online, it was about a pretty girl, you should say lady, since she was 18+ . She was a whole lot of beauty, I had to show my siblings, she had a dual nationality, her mother, Korean and father a black Hawaiian and she blended perfectly.
I wasn’t the only one that attest to this beauty, people who came across her, said she was so. She was also talented, apart from being a social media star, she loved singing, she had a great voice from what I read and she was loved by her parents, her mother will even post about her and pass wonderful comments about her….in the moment of admiring her beauty, I got to the part where she committed suicide 😢….it was a total shock, like what happened…..my siblings could not believe it and they were quite disappointed. When I read further, it was said that a guy was responsible, he pushed her into it through awful messages he was sending to her, he made her hate herself, before she finally gave up, it was written that she started with cutting herself. The whole tragedy about this is that the guy felt no remorse and he said he had a mandate to do the same to others.

That’s there is a sad story, like all that beauty she knew she had and was told about by her fans and family was not enough to save her.
So maybe people telling you that you are beautiful and saying words that should improve your self-worth is not going to get you out of depression or make you love yourself better, so what is, even when the whole world tells you, you’re the best.

This reminds me when I was so much younger, I use to get a lot of compliments , it was so much that I started disbelieving what they said. I look at the mirror and say to myself, the people are only insulting me, so I felt more insulted than complimented.
The issue also is not even about saying this is who you are but how long do you believe your definition, you begin to doubt yourself especially when some silly mistakes that you feel could have been averted was made.

It’s really not always enough for us to believe our own reports, we need to find out what God says about us, who He says you are. And knowing that God can not lie. We can be certain that What He says is your truth, my truth, and as we know from scriptures, Heaven and Earth will pass away but His word will remain. His word is where we put our anchor on, which can not be shaken.

People can call you beautiful today and tomorrow they may call you ugly because of a defect that was found or a mistake made.
But this does not define you or me.

Whatever challenges or mistakes are only part of the process, process of becoming you.
And you can only know who you are in Him, in Jesus.

Jesus is saying to you today-

I’ve loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love.
-John 15:9-10(MSG)

Find yourself in the love Jesus is calling you to live in with Him and the Father.

So I ask you today,

WHO DEFINES YOU?

In His Love♥️

Nenpan Wungak

Be Still

“Stop fighting,” he says, “and know that I am God, supreme among the nations, supreme over the world.”
Psalms 46:10 GNB

“Step out of the traffic! Take a long, loving look at me, your High God, above politics, above everything.”
Psalm 46:10 MSG

Our God says, “Calm down, and learn that I am God! All nations on earth will honor me.”
Psalms 46:10 CEV

In a world like ours, it can be difficult keeping calm. Now in this presence times, the days of pandemic….I ask myself how can I be still, how can I know God in the midst of all these….I really need to move fast I tell myself, I don’t think I can wait for God to speak and give directions- my actions speak for me.
Everyone seems to be ticking off goals their list, people are making changes and transitions in their career, even getting married….
But one question I fail to ask myself is who am I truly living for? Do I know who I’m called to be…..so what if everyone seem to be on a fast lane, so what if people around have discovered themselves and living their dreams…..
The question is have I enquired of the Father of what He wants from my life, I say Psalms 27:4 is my favorite verse, do I truly understand the implications of the words…..

I’m asking God for one thing, only one thing: To live with him in his house my whole life long. I’ll contemplate his beauty; I’ll study at his feet.
Psalm 27:4 MSG

I have asked the LORD for one thing; one thing only do I want: to live in the LORD ‘s house all my life, to marvel there at his goodness, and to ask for his guidance.
Psalms 27:4 GNB

The one thing I ask of the Lord — the thing I seek most— is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord ’s perfections and meditating in his Temple.
Psalms 27:4 NLT

Here’s the one thing I crave from God, the one thing I seek above all else: I want the privilege of living with him every moment in his house, finding the sweet loveliness of his face, filled with awe, delighting in his glory and grace. I want to live my life so close to him that he takes pleasure in my every prayer.
Psalms 27:4 TPT

In different versions are the words I hold dearly to my heart. I have told the Lord , He is the one thing I only desire, yet I keep not the words I claimed to have hold dearly.

Like Martha , I have allowed myself to be cumbered with cares and even activities I have claimed that were for unto Him and all He is ever asking is to sit at His feet, listen, take pleasure in His presence….is this not what you always wants, filled with awe as I look into Him, He says. “How have you forgotten so soon your First desire, not just your first, your Only.”
I say, I thought keeping busy was good, showing You I can work for You was something You want, because I saw others doing it and it pleased You.
I have forgotten to be like John and rest on Your breast and be Your beloved, I need not be like Peter and be rugged always. You only want me to be Still.

“Stillness allows us to be led down the path of intimacy with God”

Down in the sense of becoming humble and allowing yourself to loose control of what God should handle. This road is quite unsettling to follow, because you just believe you can handle this.

But if God is to give us the power to control all things, can we effectively keep things under control….even as much as we have the power to permit or not to permit whatever comes in our lives, we can’t control the amount of what moves in and out in our lives. So why fret when things don’t go according to plan.

God is saying to you today,

“Calm down my love and see me at work”

Shalom

In His Love♥️

Nenpan Wungak

Where are you?

But the LORD God called out to the man, “Where are you?

He answered, I heard you in the garden; I was afraid and hid from you, because I was naked.

“Who told you that you were naked? “ God asked….

-Gen 3 : 9 – 11

More than ever, we need to be found by God.

Enough from our running and hiding, I bet we make fool of ourselves when we run and try to hide from God.

Our hiding from God must bring so much humour, we forget so soon that nothing can be hidden from his eyes.

So what and why do we run……now, let look at the scenario of toddlers running from their parents and trying to hide, the funny part is some of them hide in the most obvious place.

Sometimes they run because they have done something wrong, most hilarious of them of is those that are naked.

When man knew first he was naked, he tried covering himself, but he was naked right from his day of creation and yet when he knew this, he chose to hide from his Creator.

Nakedness was impeccable but seeing it in our own eyes are flaws.

Our personalities may look like defects to us, but God has a perfect purpose of why you were made the way you are.

The nakedness was not wrong in itself and nothing to be ashamed of but because man looked at it with his own eyes and not the eyes of God, it made man ashamed and hide.

Although, Man was still in the garden when God asked of him however, he was missing where he was supposed to be, the spot where God meets him, a secret place, in the cool of the evening…..hmmmm…this shows how God loves quiet and cool places and He loves to share it with you and I.

And Then, God comes and doesn’t find man there, and the next thing He does is ask after man, God doesn’t just leave, when He realizes that man was missing, He sought out man.

God never leaves you and I when He doesn’t find us at the spot He made for us.

He is so interested in where you went and He carries out investigation to find out what happened, I know this sounds crazy, like He knows everything, but He still ask. He’s totally interested, God would have gone with, “Where are you Adam, I Know what you did, come out and face me like a man, I am totally disappointed in you” but NO, God did not, His love did not change a bit when it happened.

And with this, I am telling you, God’s love doesn’t change a bit when you leave him.

The genesis of this whole mess, is that the enemy says man can be better than what God made you to be….and I’m asking, HOW? We really don’t know how much God has in stock for us, the depth, the height, the truth is, we can’t quantity God’s goodness towards us.

Let’s be honest here, can you say you know yourself absolutely, like every bit of your person, you already know and have become.

The truth is, the enemy always tries to sell us short, he makes us believe we are missing out, that God is really not telling us everything and That God doesn’t want us to be free to be ourselves.

Paul says in

Gal 2: 4

And that because of false brethren unawares brought in, who came in privily to spy out our liberty which we have in Christ Jesus, that they might bring us into bondage:

Never entertain the thought that God thinks less of you, or made you less than others, it doesn’t matter what disability: physically, mentally, socially or emotionally you may have, God’s purpose for your life is not limited.

Look at what the scriptures says:

Romans 8:28

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

1 Corinthians 2:9

“But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.”

See God got you covered, don’t leave where He placed you because of guilt, inferiority, sin, worldly pleasures….now let’s imagine this scene, God get you a perfect spot at the cinema, then He says He was going to get some popcorn and smoothie, the movie hasn’t started, then you heard someone whisper to you, why don’t you come over here, pointing to another seat, “I tell you this seat is the best spot to get a full watch of the movie” says the stranger and you just met him, now ask yourself, will it be wise to obliged?

When God is silent, it doesn’t mean He left you or He finds you totally boring, He just want you to trust Him all times. When your friend doesn’t talk to you always, does it mean he/she loves you less, you know when you call on him/her , you get a response.

So how can God, your maker, your father, your friend totally ignore you?

“I thought to myself, ‘I would love to treat you as my own children!’ I wanted nothing more than to give you this beautiful land— the finest possession in the world. I looked forward to your calling me ‘Father,’ and I wanted you never to turn from me.

Jeremiah 3:19 NLT

This all what God ever want. Never be ashamed, “l love you and I have called you by my name”

He is asking you today, Where are you?

Shalom.

In His Love💓
Nenpan Wungak

The Wait

The Lord does not delay and is not tardy or slow about what He promises, according to some people’s conception of slowness, but He is long-suffering (extraordinary patient) toward you, not desiring that any should perish, but that all turn to repentance.
-2 Peter 3:9

My journey to salvation was smooth, growing in a Christian home made it easy for me to find God. And when I eventually found God, my life became fuller, more colorful, I never thought I will go through situations that will tear me apart and totally change me. But in all this God has always waited for me, whether I got to know Him earlier or not because I eventually act as a runaway lover. The lover that runs away when she doesn’t get what she wants at her own time and in her own way. And His string of grace always draw me back to Him.

So here I am today, not attained perfection, still falling and getting up again. Sometimes I crawl because I doubt my feet could carry me. And He is patient, he is willing to wait, standing by my side. My struggles and failures don’t slow Him down.

I run away too often, returning to Him broken and covered with mold that hides my face, and yet He recognizes me and cleans me up, mending my broken soul.

As I find myself away from Him, I fall into the hands of strangers and He never hesitate to look for me. Because if He never made the move to find me, I would never had found my way back.
In all these running away and coming back He teaches me still. Even from things I least expect to learn from, He draws out the lessons from. And here I am sitting taking notes from the lessons but distractions soon takes my attention and I loose my notes. Good thing He’s always there when I run off and fling my notes in the process, because He picks up the notes and hands it over when I’m back from my misadventure.

And by the time I opened my notes, I realized I just derailed from the lessons I took down. And this realization caused me depression and in that process, my face is been lifted up by Him and His face, right in front of me, as I look into His eyes I saw me, the perfect me. But I don’t look for too long, because I feel disappointed in myself.

I wish I could always look into Him and find myself, but I guess I always succumb to the reality of the identity I have always known.

And I am glad He never gives up on me.

Well, I know this story may be similar to you or you probably have passed this phase of running and coming, however, either of the situation you might be or neither. The Beauty of it all is, His wait and I am talking about Jesus.
In all we go through, where we were and find ourselves presently, He teaches us even from the baseless things. He speaks to us in a way we understand things.

So it doesn’t matter how base you may be, He knows how best to speak to you.
And this is the story and lessons of the WAIT, well, just a glimpse of the story.

The story unfolds as seconds pass.

Even as you and I wait for answers to prayers, questions, God has been in the wait longer than any of us, that why you and I need to always find strength in Him, because He has been there and done that.

Isn’t it beautiful and satisfying, that someone so above you and powerful knows exactly how you feel, that means, you and I ain’t truthful when we say words to Him like “You have no idea how I feel or what this means to me”. You definitely know the feeling when someone you love says that to you.

Now, you see the lessons He draws out from daily living.

This is what I will be taking you through, what He teaches me and how He does it, my falls and my rising.

Knowing that you and I are all in this together gives you and I strength and hope for each day.

Shalom.

In His Love💓
Nenpan Wungak